Attachment Styles in Dating: How Your Past Shapes Your Relationships
Do you ever notice yourself falling into similar patterns in dating? Maybe you’re drawn to the same emotionally unavailable partners, enjoy the chase and then start to crave distance, or constantly feel on edge.
Our relationship styles and preferences often come from our past experiences in relationships. Even when we know something isn’t healthy, it isn’t always easy to change. Understanding the root of these behaviors is often the first step in moving towards healthier ways of relating–which starts at recognizing your attachment style.
The four styles of attachment are anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, disorganized/fearful avoidant, and secure. They usually exist on a spectrum, so you might find yourself falling into a few different categories, or it might depend on the context. To help define your individual attachment style, feel free to take this quiz (this usually takes about 5 minutes).
Additionally, here’s some background information on each style and what they can look like in relationships:
Anxious/Preoccupied
Anxious attachment usually develops from inconsistency in needs being met as a child. As a child, it might feel like your caregivers are there for you one day, and distant the next, sending mixed signals and making it challenging to develop reliable expectations.
Signs of anxious attachment as an adult:
Fear of abandonment or rejection
Clinginess
Low self-easteem
Relationship anxiety
Need for validation
Avoidant/Dismissive
Avoidant attachment can be triggered by caregivers being emotionally distant, and misattuned or dismissive to their children’s feelings, avoiding intimacy.
Signs of avoidant attachment as an adult:
Scared of commitment
Avoiding closeness
Challenges communicating emotions
Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant
A disorganized attachment style can often come from caregivers who are unpredictable and inconsistent. Their children might learn that they can not rely on anyone to have their needs met, and fear for their safety.
Signs of disorganized attachment as an adult:
Wanting relationships but fearing intimacy
Feeling like disappointment is bound to happen in relationships
Lack of trust in partner
Low self-esteem
Fear of rejection
Secure
As a child, secure attachment might look like having all of your needs met when they arise, and feeling safe, seen, and supported. You have the freedom to go out and explore your surroundings, while knowing you have a stable base to come home to.
Signs of secure attachment as an adult:
Ability to form consistent, long-term relationships
Mutual trust
Ability to communicate your needs and emotions, and feeling safe in doing so
Comfortability in closeness and independence
Final Takeaway
Our attachment styles often come from our relationships with our caregivers. We might learn that certain ways of interacting with others are safer, and these ways of thinking and behaving can show up in all of our relationships. However, your attachment style is not set in stone– anyone is capable of secure attachment–it just takes stable relationships and self-reflection to reverse these patterns. Remember that building healthy relationships is possible, and to give yourself grace in getting there.
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