So you went on your first date (or several), and are still unsure how you feel. You’re probably asking yourself something along the lines of, “there isn’t a spark yet, should I keep trying?” or “I can’t tell if we have enough in common, is it worth it to keep seeing them?”

Or, you’re watching the new season of Love is Blind and wondering whether it’s possible for physical attraction to come after emotional connection.

This is when the big question comes into play, can attraction grow?

Science has proven that attraction can actually grow through several ways–let’s look at them together.

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Mere Exposure Effect

Studies show that the more we see someone, the more positively we view that person, as familiarity and acceptance grows.

Reflection prompt: Think about your coworkers or classmates that you see everyday or sit next to–has your perception of them changed over time, after spending more time around them?

2. Finding Similarities

We’ve all heard someone tell us, “opposites attract.” However, the reality is that we often gravitate towards those who we perceive as more similar to us. The more we get to know someone, the more we uncover that we have in common, which can enhance empathy, connection, and attraction.

Reflection prompt: Do you know enough about this person to determine what you have in common?

3. Don’t Let Your Past Hold You Back

Sometimes, past negative experiences can cause us to put up walls or back out when we see similarities in the relationships. We can try to recognize when our fears or defenses might be showing up, so that they don’t prevent us from moving forward with someone new.

Reflection prompt: Is there anything you’re holding onto from past relationships, that is stopping you from committing to giving someone a real chance?

4. Shared Experiences

As we engage in more activities with someone, we often feel more emotionally connected to them. Positive experiences can lead to more positive feelings associated with the people we were with at the time. Engaging in activities together can also facilitate communication, comfort, and togetherness.

Reflection prompt: What have you done together so far? Has there been a fair chance for you to bond?

5. Getting to Know Each Other on a Deeper Level

The more we get to know someone’s personality, interests, and values, and how they connect with others, the deeper the emotional connection becomes and the more we respect them as a person. Emotional intimacy often leads to seeing someone more positively, which can foster attraction.

Reflection prompt: What do you look for in an emotional connection?

P.S. Check out our blog to help determine what actually matters in dating.

Final Takeaway

Sometimes the strongest relationships are slowly built. I know we’re all looking for that “immediate spark” that we see in movies, but don’t lose hope if it isn’t there–a deep connection requires more than chemistry, and chemistry is sometimes a byproduct of emotional intimacy. At the same time, attraction can’t be forced, creating a difficult balance.

If you want to learn more about “dating smarter,” check out our blog on Therapist-Backed Tips for Intentional Dating.

Want To Do This Work in Therapy?

Dating, especially in NYC, can be frustrating. You are not alone. We want to be a safe space to bounce feelings off of and offer clarity, so you feel confident in knowing what to look for going forward.

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