How to Navigate Friendship Changes Through Different Seasons of Life
The friendships we have in high school and college look very different from the ones we have post-grad and beyond, even if they’re with the same people. After graduating, it’s no longer guaranteed that your friends will all live in the same neighborhood, let alone the same city, or country. As we continue to age, it sometimes feels like there are more than geographical limits and boundaries separating us from our friends. Some friends may commit themselves to working up the corporate ladder while others pursue additional degrees or travel the world. And then there are all the life events we cannot fully control: new relationships, marriages, break-ups and divorces, new children, illness, and the death of close ones. It may feel like only yesterday that you and your friends were exactly on the same page, getting ready for a party together and then waking up early the next day to make sure you had enough time to study for your midterms. But, while you may have certainly already sensed your life was taking a different course from some of your friends’, further entering adulthood can highlight and amplify these different paths. Friends will not hit all the life stages at the same time, if at all.
This inevitable fact can make it harder to connect with your friends. You were once surrounded by the same people and concerns, but now you may have different connections and priorities. It’s also possible that most of your friends seem to be entering a similar phase, and you feel left out. What are you meant to talk about when it feels like you don’t have anything in common any more? How do you stay in touch with such different schedules? More generally, how do you keep the friendship spark going?
It’s impossible to dictate one’s life plan – even more impossible to synchronize it with your friends’ life plans – but read on to learn how to navigate friendships in different life stages. Embracing and honoring differences as well as intentional communication and plan-making are key. It’s also important to remember that not all friendships are meant to last forever and to know when it might be time to take a break from some friends.
Embrace Difference and Learn from Each Other
You may have connected with your friends because you detected similarities between each other. Maybe others even remarked you were exactly like each other. Or, maybe you have completely different personalities but like the exact same singers, actors, authors, video games, etc. No matter how aligned in preferences, or how much you look like each other and perhaps dress the same way, it’s important to remember that you and your friend are unique and complex individuals. Even during moments of life stage synchronicity, there will necessarily be differences. Part of nurturing your friendship is acknowledging those differences. Even more, you can approach each other with curiosity rather than an assumption of mutual understanding. Honoring differences and voicing curiosity become even more important when you and your friends enter vastly different life stages.
Here are some tangible ways to honor the differences in life stages:
Listen. It’s okay to not understand what your friend is going through. You can give to them by being a good listener and asking appropriate questions.
Voice the disconnect. Acknowledge how you’re in different stages and discuss them. Learn from each other’s different experiences.
Inform yourself. Is your friend going through heartbreak when you’ve never had a boyfriend? Ask your mom what that may feel like, or read about it in fiction, for example. Your friend may not be in the right place to explain everything.
2. Intentional Communication and Plans
The pieces of advice listed above all revolve around and assume communication. When you and your friends are in different life stages, even finding a time to communicate can be difficult. You might have different work hours or live in different time zones. Moreover, you may have different preferences of modes and frequency of communication. Address these facts. Ask your friends how they want to keep up with you and voice your own preferences, too.
You may land on:
Keeping your group chat alive by asking funny questions on a weekly basis
Setting a time to call each other
Virtual game nights
Shared photo albums
When communicating, you will hopefully find that you not only have so much to learn from the other’s new unique experiences but that you still laugh at the same kind of humor, like the same shows, want to try similar recipes, etc.
If you have the luxury of living in the same city, you can be intentional about setting time for in-person plans.
Some ideas include:
Your own supper club, trying new restaurants together every month
Hosting a book club night
Chill nights with good snacks and chit chat
Morning coffee walks
Scheduling can be different when people are in different life stages. It’s okay if you miss in-person gatherings for a few months. People get very busy.
P.S. Check out our blog on building your perfect NYC self-care day. Self-care doesn’t have to be alone!
3. Not All Friends Are Forever Friends
If you feel like you’re putting an uneven amount of effort into a friendship, that may be a sign to take a step back. Even when friends are in different life stages, mutual love and respect matter. If things have felt one sided for a while, you may want to have a conversation with your friends. It would be ideal to keep all friendships alive and well forever, but some unfortunately do not stand the test of time. Taking a step back or a pause from each other does not mean a definite and permanent end to the friendship. The space might prove beneficial to an eventual rekindling.
Just Remember
Entering different life stages from your friends does not mean the end of your friendship. There are ways of voicing and navigating the difference. Intentionally communicating and approaching your friends with curiosity, instead of judgement, can help nurture your friendship during times when it feels hard to keep up. Over time, the efforts should be mutual, and if you feel you are doing all the work, remind yourself that you do not have to continuously stay the closest of friends with the same people.
At Gluck Psychology Collective, we specialize in helping millennials and Gen Z clients navigate the complex transitions that come with adulthood — from shifting friendships and evolving identities to new relationships, careers, and “new normals.” Therapy is where you can pause, reflect, and realign with who you’re becoming. Check out our specialties here.
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