Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners

If you notice a pattern of feeling insecure in relationships due to a lack of emotional intimacy, trust, communication, and comitment, you might be attracting emotionally unavailable partners. These relationships can feel unpredictable and make you question your self-worth or put your own needs aside.

The relationships we choose often come from our past experiences–so this isn’t your fault. This blog is to help you understand the root of why you might be falling into the same patterns thst aren’t working, so you can be in control. 

Your Attachment Style

The relationships we seek out often come from an unconscious desire to repeat past relationships, because this feels safe to us. A relationship that often sets the stage for our relational patterns is with our caregivers. If our caregivers always avoided discussing emotions, or made us feel bad for sharing them, we internalize this and avoid them in future relationships. We might have learned that emotional intimacy is scary and should be avoided, so we seek relationships where we don’t have to be emotionally vulnerable. By choosing an emotionally unavailable partner, we are creating a safe distance from ourselves and expressing emotions and needs. 

If our emotions aren’t consistently validated and our needs are only met upon certain conditions growing up, we might also feel like we have to earn things like love. Choosing emotionally unavailable partners gives us an opportunity to work harder to earn their love and stability. We might also have a “fixer” mentality, where we have to work to fix their mindset, or help them overcome something from their past to be emotionally available. When we get our partner to show love after working so hard, it can feel incredibly rewarding.

This concept of repeating the past is called “repetition compulsion,” and can be our attempt to redo the ending more positively.

We might also be emotionally unavailable ourselves without even knowing it, due to past experiences, so we might feel a pull to others who have similar experiences, and find comfort in this.

Differentiating A Hot and Cold Relationship from Passion

When we are in an unstable relationship, we can feel the highest of highs and lowest of lows. These strong feelings can easily be confused with passion and intimacy, which can feel exciting. 

However, a strong relationship should be consistent, and love and intimacy should not be contingent upon the day and external circumstances. 

Final Takeaway

It’s never too late to break an unhealthy pattern. Now that you understand why you might be attracting emotionally unavailable partners, you can intentionally decide what to seek out and avoid, and recognize the warning signs. It might feel uncomfortable to be with emotionally available partners, but discomfort is a sign of growth. 

You deserve a healthy, loving, and stable relationship–it doesn’t have to be earned through hard work.

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