My clients already know this, but here’s a little secret: I’ve been quietly obsessed with Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” theory for months. At first, I kept it tucked away—thinking it was too simple. But the more I sat with it, the more I saw how transformative it actually is. I’ve brought it into sessions about dating, friendship drama, work stress, and boundary-setting. And now I’m convinced: this isn’t just a helpful mindset—it’s a life-changing one.
Let’s break it down—psychologist-style.
What Is the “Let Them” Theory?
It’s exactly what it sounds like:
If someone doesn’t text back? Let them.
If they flake on plans? Let them.
If they don’t support you, show up, or treat you the way you hoped? Let them.
If they walk away? Let them.
At first, it can feel passive. But “letting them” isn’t about giving up. It’s about giving yourself the freedom to stop managing other people’s behavior and start choosing your own.
The deeper shift?
Let them… and let me.
Let them be who they are—and let me be who I want to be in response.
1. Letting Go of Control You Never Had
One of the biggest sources of anxiety is trying to control things we can’t. We want people to behave differently, respond better, care more. But trying to control others keeps us stuck.
In psychology, we call this an external locus of control—and it’s associated with more stress and less resilience. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) also shows that clinging to “shoulds” fuels anxiety.
Try this:
Write down something (or someone) you’ve been trying to control. Underneath it, write:
Let them.
Then ask:
Let me… do what instead?
2. Freeing Up Mental Energy
Overthinking others’ actions is exhausting—and so common:
Why didn’t they text?
Why did they cancel?
Why don’t they care like I do?
This type of spiraling is known as rumination—when our thoughts loop around the same worry without resolution. It’s closely tied to cognitive distortions like mind reading, personalization, and jumping to conclusions.
“Letting them” interrupts this cycle. Instead of trying to decode someone else’s behavior, you shift your focus back to you—your needs, your peace, your next move. And yes, that shift actually reduces stress (we love lowered cortisol).
Quick reframe:
Let them ghost. Let me text a friend who always shows up.
Let them flake. Let me enjoy my night anyway.
3. Reclaiming Your Self-Worth
When people treat us poorly, it’s tempting to take it personally. But their behavior doesn’t define your worth.
Attachment research shows that walking away from inconsistency helps us attract secure, aligned relationships.
Journal prompt:
Where are you chasing approval from someone unavailable?
What might change if you stopped?
4. Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
The “Let Them” theory is a game-changer for guilt-free boundaries.
If someone gets mad when you say no? Let them.
If they misinterpret or gossip? Let them.
Let me hold the boundary anyway. Let me choose peace over people-pleasing.
Final Takeaway: This Is a Self-Trust Practice
Every time you say “Let them,” you reclaim your energy.
Every time you follow it with “Let me,” you practice self-trust.
Your challenge:
Think of one situation where you’ve been emotionally drained.
Say: Let them.
Then ask: Let me…?
Do that instead.
This isn’t about being passive. It’s about freedom.
You can’t control others—but you can control how much power their actions hold over your life.
A Quick Guide to Mel Robbins’ Genius
The Mel Robbins Podcast – “The Power of Letting Go”
The 5 Second Rule (2017) – Transform your life with everyday courage
The High 5 Habit (2021) – Build self-confidence one high five at a time
Stop Saying You’re Fine (2011) – Break out of autopilot and live fully
Let Them Theory (2024) – A mindset shift to help you release control
Ready to stop overanalyzing and start feeling more grounded in your relationships? Our therapists can help you apply tools like the “Let Them” theory to real-life challenges.
📍 We offer virtual therapy across New York State.
Book your free 15-minute consult today and find the support you deserve.